Of Native Fauna

Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree!
Merry, merry king of the bush is he!
Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh, Kookaburra!
How gay your life must be!

If you do not know the song above, then, clearly, you were not instructed in music in the South Kitsap School District in the late 60's/early 70's. I think I was in kindergarten or first grade when I received instruction in this tune. And it is a good song to teach children. But of course, someone can teach you a song about something, especially something as far away as a bird in Australia, and said instructor may even provide an explanation of that call and it will still lack real significance until you encounter the Real Object of the song and discussion.

Hence, I knew there was such an animal as a kookaburra. I was given to understand that it had a peculiar call. But I didn't understand, you see. And neither, even after listening to the recording of its call I have provided, do you. You cannot fully appreciate the kookaburra's call until he gifts you with it in person. He will appear, as if by magic, at, oh, say, 0515 in the morning, just outside your window. And then he will begin his call. Now, you must understand that, where the kookaburra whose call is recorded for your listening pleasure is sedated, compared to the real item, the one who appears outside my window most mornings seems to have been on an amphetamine binge.

You remember Cheetah, the chimp from the 'Tarzan' movies? Imagine if you mainlined him with Crystal Meth, some Speed and maybe a gallon bottle of Jose Cuervo Gold. Then you spanked him with a cricket bat. The resulting sounds might approximate, but not fully capture, those released outside my window each morning. Early. If I were not actually grateful to the bird for serving as my alarm clock (you will remember I am running again), it would be my marksmanship I would be practicing rather than my aerobic conditioning.

Moving along in the avian world, we have the Sulfa Crested Cockatoo. Now these things are probably bigger than you are thinking. You remember 'Fred,' the cockatoo on the TV show 'Baretta?' Fred was a large cockatoo. These are his steroid using cousins. They are massive and white and they sit in the trees and flare those big yellow crowns and are imposing looking. You gaze at a flock of a half dozen of these things perched in trees and are grateful that they are notorius for tearing up your lawn, rather than say, human flesh. They are a marvel to behold and are equally impressive in flight. Then, they begin to remind me of some people I have encountered; they are beautiful to look at and then, they open their mouths and what comes out makes everything go horribly wrong. The ancient Greeks must have, in their sea faring days, traveled to Australia and, upon being greeted by the Cockatoo's call, promptly turned around and sailed back home, the inspiration for the Harpy safely secured. Suffice to say, I see no reason to keep any animal that makes this kind of racket domestic or otherwise.

Over here we come to one you may have heard of, the Sydney Funnel Web Spider. Quite likely the most lethal spider on the face of the planet. Nature's playful Atrax robustus abounds in and around the Sydney basin. If you have chosen NOT to go to the link above, I do not blame you. It will fill your head with nightmare images and facts. Fortunately for YOU, you are not living within envenoming distance of one of these wee beasties as I am. But allow me to excerpt for you, some of MY favorite facts from the spider page above :

• They are probably the most venomous aggressive spider in the world, all funnel web species should be treated as dangerous to humans.

• Sometimes, Funnel-webs may be found in colonies of over a hundred.

• When mature, the males leave their webs and lead a homeless existence. They tend to roam and often enter homes particularly during Summer after a heavy downpour of rain.

• Their massive fangs can penetrate a child's fingernail.

I think you get the idea. They are massive poisoning machines searching for young children whose fingernails they seek to pierce and slay all of humanity. Luckily, they are restricted to, more or less, the Metro Sydney area, which is where I happen to live, at the moment. In fact, as I sit here writing this, I gaze out my window at a large eucalyptus tree, at the base of which, I am told, is one of those colonies of 'hundreds' of the most venomous spider on earth. And as I just typed that, a Sulfa Crested Cockatoo just lighted in the branch of the tree. Maybe the spiders will get him. And the reason you're reading this? I was awakened early by the Laughing Kookaburra and his call early and it's a non-running day for me today.

So you see, life is not all beaches and spirituality here in Australia. There are hazards to daily life in both the aural and toxic realms. And I haven't even touched on the snakes. Something like 8 of the worlds 11 most lethal snakes are found in Australia. Haven't seen one of those yet. But you know, they're snakes, which are actually beautiful creatures. Even the venomous ones. In order to recover from the trauma of the spider colony thing, I think I need to go to the beach this weekend.